Toni Hurd Dowdy, 1958-2011

My Aunt Toni would be embarrassed if she knew I published her middle name on the internet. She was my mom’s identical twin, both born on April Fool’s Day, 1958 in Miami, the 6th and 7th of 8 children born to my grandparents. Named Toni “Belinda”, for her “Twin B” status, we would always joke about my mom’s less glamorous middle name, “Ann” and for her luck of being “Twin A.” Aunt Toni was so beautiful in both her spirit and body. I want to honor her by telling her story.

Just two weeks ago Aunt Toni went home to be with God. Her body was weak from the struggle of two separate fights with cancer, but she fought with everything she had! Not very many know what she actually endured.

She was my mom’s identical twin sister. Few people in the world can know the special bond between a niece and her mom’s identical twin. She was my second mother and Godmother. I miss her SO MUCH, the words I type could never say enough.

When she was 14 years old she was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, the same cancer I would be diagnosed with 36 years later. Back in the 70’s, doctors were baffled by Hodgkin’s and were experimenting with many different kinds of treatments, most of which involved chemotherapy and radiation. Aunt Toni went through both of these, but what was especially hard on her was the cobalt radiation that is so destructive on human tissue, as well as the chemotherapy that can damage the heart. Doctors also removed her spleen, which used to be common practice to treat Hodgkin’s. Most people did not make it through Hodgkin’s back then. She was one of only a few in the clinical trials at Johns Hopkins who survived.

After receiving “remission” status at Johns Hopkins she went back home to Lake Worth, Florida to live the normal life of a high schooler. Following graduation she had a blossoming career at the Miami Herald and married my Uncle Mark in 1981. Even though her doctors said she would never have any children, she went on to have my cousins: Jason, Josh, and Jeremy. The boys and my sisters and I always felt special: identical moms, one with 3 girls and the other with 3 boys.

During the early and mid-80’s Aunt Toni sang along side my mom  in the band, “Sundance” as twin lead-singers. For the first 5 years of my life we lived about 7 houses apart from each other, just around the block until she moved with her family to Raleigh, NC. Here she found a wonderful and loyal network of friends to do life with while away from her close-knit family in Florida. She always missed us so much and let us know through writing “her girls” beautiful cards, most of which I still have.

In the 90’s Aunt Toni began feeling some of the effects of the prior cancer treatment- catching colds and flu that kept her going back to the doctor more than she would have liked. Her spleen had been removed with her Hodgkin’s cancer treatment and since it is such a large portion of the immune system, this might have explained her vulnerability to illness. The permanent reduction in white blood cell count due to chemotherapy may also have played a role. She fought through all of it though, accepting it as a mixed blessing. The “cure” that gave her life had left her with some side-effects, one which included a compromised immune system. These times were the glory days though- filled with friends, watching her 3 boys play and excel at baseball, and watching them grow. All of the boys were gifted athletes.

In 2007 she found a lump in her breast. After an initial misdiagnosis, a second examination showed Stage II Breast Cancer. Doctors concluded it was caused by the cobalt radiation from her initial cancer treatment back in the 70’s. Her chest showed large amounts of radiated scar tissue. She went through surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation all over again. Even though it weakened her physically, she fought and fought. She even made the trip to Atlanta from Raleigh to come to and SING at my wedding in June, 2008.

Her story became part of mine when I was diagnosed with Stage II Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in October of 2008. Her struggle with the side effects of cancer treatment was a main factor in why I chose the path I did- to turn down chemotherapy and radiation as a first line of offense and try holistic protocols first.

During her breast cancer treatment, Aunt Toni began to become concerned about her heart. She was having trouble breathing and felt weak. At first it was assumed to be the chemotherapy’s affects on her body, but after treatment ended, she still felt like something wasn’t right.

Months went by and she visited many doctors, some who suggested that she was experiencing “phantom” symptoms and she was really fine. She was adamant something was wrong.

It turns out that SHE was right. Her heart was weakened and doctors feared that she had a leak in one of her valves. They decided that a pace maker would help. After having surgery for the pace maker, Aunt Toni began to feel better, but she was anxious about her health still. She hated that so often she felt weak or sick and wanted her normal, healthy life back again.

I know she felt burdened and worried from the way she talked with me, but she moved on and life began to feel normal again. She would cheer on her son’s baseball team and spent her summers in Florida with my mom and the rest of her family. She also would sing in her church’s worship band and loved decorating for every holiday. She even went back to her job as a substitute and assistant teacher in Wake Forest, NC.

In late 2010 she came home from her job teaching and didn’t feel well. Her sickness quickly escalated and she was sent to the hospital and diagnosed with pneumonia. She didn’t come home until May, 2011, almost 7 months later. While at Duke Medical Center, doctors were often puzzled about what to do. For a while she was unable to survive without the help of breathing and dietary assistance.  I’m a little unclear about the order of things, but I know she received a double heart bypass and a valve transplant while she was there.

Aunt Toni did come home, but once she did she had difficulty with the changes to her livelihood. She was still very ill and not as independent as she would have liked. I know how much this had to bother her. She missed her daily walks around the neighborhood, trips to see her boys play baseball, and teaching her students. At my last visit with her, she told me of her frustrations, but still she fought.

I am thankful for my faith in sorting through her life and death. I believe that Jesus is who He says He was, came from God, and IS God. She believed this too.

The first few days I had difficulty believing anything my faith teaches. I was angry and sad. Her leaving this Earth was an exercise in my faith, as I’m sure it was for many others who held her dear. She was too young. Why did all of this have to happen to such a pure-spirited, gentle person? Her life was full of heartache and trials to overcome. She overcame most of them, but it was time for her to go Home.

2 Corinthians 12: 8-9 says:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

The apostle Paul taught about how he was physically afflicted, a “thorn in his flesh,” but in his weakness or physical ailment, God’s power was made perfect.

My reassurance came in a conversation with my mom right before my husband and I left to come back home after Aunt Toni’s funeral. We were simply folding blankets, but I could still feel my mom was in deep mourning for her other half, together from conception and truly sharing one heart. I sensed the doubt in her voice as we were talking about Aunt Toni being “out of pain” and “having a new body.” We all say words like that but they don’t ease OUR pain. I confessed to her about feeling moments of doubt about heaven. “It is just all so intangible and human depictions of heaven are so dull compared to our beautiful life with our family here.” And then something amazing happened.

I realized that If I believe in God and Jesus and truly have experienced Him like I have in my life- through themes, through people, through scripture, through strange parallels that could only be orchestrated by my Heavenly Father, then Aunt Toni IS with Him. He is real and Heaven is where she is WITH Him. At that moment, I felt her in my heart where I normally feel God’s spirit tugging at me to follow Him, and in that moment KNEW she was there with Him.

I told my mom this and she touched her heart and told me how much better it made her feel to hear that.

I did not want to end Aunt Toni’s story with her death, but with her new life. She IS alive, just somewhere we can’t be right now. Now she is Home and I will see her again.

Aunt Toni and Me, 1984

Mom, Aunt Toni, Me, 1986

Mom and Aunt Toni, 1991

The Boys and Girls, 2006

Aunt Toni cheering on her boys with Uncle Mark, 2007